Cold Souls by Rebekah Palmer

Cold Souls by Rebekah Palmer

"Does it bother you when I refer to your high school as not a real school?"

He glanced at me with his olive green eyes and quickly turned back to look at the road. The car revved down the county road.

I thought for a few seconds as I clutched my purse from the passenger seat and said, "No". I then added, "Because at that school, we were hidden away from most of what would have given me an easier transition into the public world."

I continued, "Like, we had this class just for the females in the seventh through twelfth grades focused on planning for our heteronormative weddings, clothing we would wear for our male partner's pleasure, as well as preparing his daily meals and our own daily exercise and Bible reading plans. There was nothing in preparing for the reality of that kind of marriage."

"Oh. Okay," he responded. "I thought my assessment would offend you but you seem to realize the school itself was offensive."

I chuckled. I decided to switch the subject to us and offered, "I would have had a crush on you in high school."

"I would have had a crush on you too," he said back to me.

I gazed over at his face--his defined chin and high cheekbones, his sun tanned skin and dark green eyes with dark brown hair. 

Outloud I whispered, "If I were a boy, I'd want to look just like you..." and trailed off.

"That's interesting," he remarked, "because if I were a girl, I'd have wanted to look cute like you."

His face turned and his eyes met mine and then back out the windshield of the vehicle. We were quiet for a time after that.

I began to make out the words to the song on the radio...."Honesty is such a lonely word Everyone is so untrue Honesty is hardly ever heard But mostly what I need from you...."

And then I heard him ask, "Will you marry me?"

I froze. That wasn't coming from the radio, but from the human being sitting next to me. The human being who knew my flaws and oddities and whom I'd just whispered buried desires with just seconds ago.

I had been trained that the affirmative answer to this question was my purpose in life so I responded in that way...."Yes. Yes I will, but I am scared."

I let him reassure me we would be okay and he would be there for me and with me. And if the marital bed wasn't what I thought it would be, we would forgo it as it was our marriage after all and we could do what we wanted inside it.

I rolled the window crank and as the glass slid down I felt a cold breeze brush against my cheek. It stung and I felt water on my eyes.

"Are you okay?" 

"It's only the wind."